


The Call of Nature

by Basched



Series: Call of Nature [1]
Category: Final Fantasy XII
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-13 05:26:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11752977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basched/pseuds/Basched
Summary: When you're trying to restore Dalmasca and stop a war,  the simplest things are not always easy.





	1. Nalbina

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I have recently been back into Final Fantasy 12, the first fandom I've ever shared my writing of. I love this game and the characters so much, so naturally, when the Zodiac Age came out, I've been at it again! 
> 
> Now after a lot of game play, I wanted to republish my FF12 fics on here. My original copies on my laptop are corrupted and old and I can't get to them, but I'll get there. 
> 
> I started with this, which was originally posted on FF.net under my same name. A silly series I want to add to about yes... using the loo! I hope to keep this going on here, depends on the interest. 
> 
> A big shout out to those gals with whom I fangirled with all those years ago. I missed this so much and you all! Hope people enjoy. Cheers. Not betaed so.... there we go! XD 
> 
>  
> 
> \-------

It was the beginning of a long journey. Vaan was excited, for he hadn't really explored Ivalice beyond Dalmasca. At all.

Yet Vaan had no clue what it was going to be like.

To him, this adventure started after freeing Basch Fon Ronsenberg from Nalbina prison. He hadn't wanted to, he was angry and furious beyond contempt that his brother's killer was still alive. Basch did explain things (an identical twin was a bit convenient) though Vaan's anger softened somewhat. He tolerated the thin wreck of a man traveling with them, Basch was more than useful in a fight but his physical condition was simply atrocious and he didn't exactly smell great either. Actually, none of them did after being in that place. 

"Didn't they let you wash?" asked Vaan sneering at Fran as she lent the man the last of her rations. Stuffing his mouth full of Viera food, Basch didn't respond at first until Vaan repeated the question.

"Wash?" Basch's breaking gravely voice croaked. The man looked at the two sky pirates who both shrugged their shoulders. Balthier rolled his eyes. "Vaan, I was in a prison cell for two years. I was given the minimal of washes. They did not treat me well. You yourself saw the way of things in there. The guards were not concerned about the prisoners' sanitary needs."

"Yeah…but…surely they could have done something?" Vaan scrunched up his nose and saw that Balthier was also holding his handkerchief over his own. 

Basch finished off the last of his food and then stood up, his bones creaking as he did so.

"I wish they did do something about it," he said, sadly. "I wish they had given me a bucket in my cell…but alas. I was not even given that luxury."

"Not even a bucket?" gasped Vaan. Balthier tutted and shook his head in disbelief before muttering about his desire to carry on back to Rabanastre. "But…Basch! Where did you…where did you _go?_ "

Basch thanked Fran with an appreciative nod when she gave him some water. He drank heartily and then began to follow after the two sky pirates as they walked away.

"Anywhere, any when I needed to." he uttered.

"Oh, man…that's disgusting." Vaan felt sick. He found himself feeling sorry for Basch. That was no way for a person to be kept. The dungeons were awful and Vaan was grateful he never got to see Basch's cell. "So, when we get back to Rabanstre…?"

"When we get back to the city," Basch sighed in heavenly anticipation, a soft smile drifted across his face. "I shall shower and bathe many times over. I shall eat and drink aplenty and make use of the finest Dalmascan toilet facilities in existence."

"I just know the regular kind." said Vaan, scratching the back of his head and following after Basch.

"So do I. It is those that will be heavenly bliss to my rear."

"Yeah…no kidding huh?"

"Verily."


	2. Estersand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be careful where you pee.

The Desert to the East of Rabanastre was termed the "nicer" desert in Dalmasca. To the south, The Stepping and Yardang Labyrinth were the rocker areas of Estersand, a place where most of the wolves and other fiends settled during the cold nights due to the adequate shelter. The Naze was a towering cliff of sand that overlooked the Banks of the Nebra; it was vast and offered no real shelter except for a few hidden croppings of rocks and the cave entrance to Barheim. The Yoma and Broken sands beyond the great river Nebra were more fertile and would have been ideal for the party, but at this moment, the six travelers were about a day's crossing through The Naze.

"Hold up!"

Basch, who had been taking point, stopped when Penelo's voice called out. He turned, just as Fran and Ashelia did and saw that two members of the party were missing.

"What seems to be the problem, Penelo?" asked Ashe, going up to help the girl who was still having problems with the broken strap on her back pack. The blonde grinned.

"No problem. Vaan and Balthier were just…they want to take a quick break." She pointed slightly with her finger to the two large cactus plants. Ashe saw the two men's arms and torsos, but quickly looked away when she realized what they were doing. "They won't be long."

"Of course," Ashe flapped her hand in front of her face and headed back to Basch's side. 

"We are stopping for a moment, majesty?" asked Basch, as Ashe and Penelo slipped off their packs.

"Vaan and Balthier are stopping for some relief."

Basch clearly got what she meant and he too slipped off his pack and rubbed his bony shoulders. Then, as he looked around the Naze, at the far off silvery blue glint of the Nebra and back round to where they had been, Basch saw what Vaan and Balthier had found. He shook his head and tutted.

"That was unwise." He said when both men came back, Balthier still buttoning up his flies.

"What?" Vaan was confused and he wasn't the only one. Balthier sighed and stretched his arms above his head. His hand flapped at the air, dismissing Basch's comment. "What?"

"Ignore him, Vaan." Said Balthier. "He's seeing another bad omen."

"Hardly," Basch replied. "I merely stated that what you did was unwise."

Now everyone else was confused, so as a warm whip of Dalmascan air blew from the north, they glared at Basch, waiting for him to respond. He was a man a few words, but his expressions said far more.

Vaan looked to the two cactus plants that he and Balthier had just relieved themselves behind. Was watering those plants not the right thing to do? Where could they have gone that wouldn't have left them exposed and on display in front of the women?

"Don't worry, Vaan," Said Balthier as he smirked and took his pack and his newly upgraded gun from Fran. "He's playing with us. It's his sense of humour…dry as this desert. Now if we can carry on, I want to make the South Bank village as soon as possible. I have sand everywhere and to bathe in the Nebra will do me wonders!"

"I was not trying to be humorous," Said Basch as the two men who passed him, patted him heftily on the back. Fran gave him a soft smile at his bewildered look and obediently followed her partner. Penelo couldn't say anything either and skipped off after Vaan. "Princess, they think I jest."

Ashe slipped her fingers between his and clasped tenderly at his hand. She patted her other hand on his bare arm and smiled up at him as they continued to walk together.

"They don't know you as well as I do. Basch, what possibly could have been unwise about them going behind the-?"

The princess didn't even get to finish asking her question as she felt two tiny forms scatter past her. There was a high pitched chirping and Ashe watched as two very angry cactaurs began to attack Vaan and Balthier.

The green spiny creatures were relentless, shooting needles again and again at the two men. Normally the dispatching of these creatures was relatively easy, but these ones were quick. They easily dodged Vaan's sword and the bullets of Balthier's gun and shot back more spines in response.

"Can someone kill them?!" yelled Vaan, falling to the sand as six needles embedded into his backside. "Please?!"

"You damned bloody critters!" Balthier's back looked like a pincushion and when one of the Cactaurs began to leap up around his face, he flapped his hands around to slap it away. It screeched and spat, which unfortunately for the sky pirate, meant more needles. Balthier dropped his gun and began to run in chaotic circles in a feeble attempt to escape.

"Shouldn't we help them?" asked Penelo, when Balthier ran past them yelling. Basch shrugged his shoulders. "We should help them! I mean, Cactaurs are harmless unless provoked! Why are they treating them like that?"

Vaan let out a piercing scream. The green creature was now pulling madly on his hair.

"Get them off me!"

"We should assist!" said Fran, arming her bow. She took aim at the one now sniveling and chomping at Balthier's ankles, but when she took the shot, the Cactuar dodged once again. Basch nodded and then he and the princess took up their swords and rushed to their friend's aid. It took a while for them to get some good clean hits in, but eventually, the sliced green bits of the Cactaurs bodies flew in different directions and landed in heaps on the sand. Penelo rushed to the two groaning men, readying her magic to heal them.

"You knew this would happen, Basch?" asked Ashelia, as she cleaned her sword.

"Aye. I have known ever since Vossler found me here when I first came to Dalmasca. I found out the hard way."

"So what happened? Why did they get angry?" groaned Balthier as Fran began to help pick the needles out of his back.

"I imagine you would be as vexed as they if you were urinated on."


	3. Lowtown - Rabanastre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basch has a bath and a little problem arises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! 
> 
> Well here is another chapter, one I struggled with a little bit. It's not my best, but I still hope it's amusing to those reading. 
> 
> Enjoy. 
> 
> \--------------------------

Oh, by the sweet gods… this was heaven. It was everything he imagined it would be. 

For two whole years, Basch had been without such luxuries, incarcerated for a murder he didn’t commit and this bath was a reward he had been looking forward to. 

Basch sunk his head below the water and after a few seconds of immersion he rose back up with a joyful gasp. He ran his hands through his clean hair and then over the now soft conditioned bristles of his trimmed beard. He groaned in pleasure and then reached to the side to pick at the food left for him. 

The cockatrice meat was divine, it was so tender and cooked to perfection. It was drizzled in some kind of sauce that he couldn’t identify, but his stomach was in love with every bite he took. 

He drank some of the fruit juice from the tankard, the taste of which briefly reminded him of his childhood, then he ate some more of the meats, cheeses and other finger foods spread out on the table next to the tub. This truly was utter bliss. 

Dalan’s bathhouse was not a place he would have normally chosen, but then when he entered the city in his state, it was the only establishment that accepted him. It was the only establishment he could afford with the gil Fran had left him. 

The men and women working here were a little offish with him at first, but they still tended to his wounds and made sure he was comfortable in one of their larger bathtubs. The tub was basically a tin bath and with Basch’s height, he still wasn’t able to fit entirely in it, so he had to drape his legs over the side.

Once the majority of the dirt and shit of Nalbina was gone and the dirty bathwater replaced with hot clean water and soap, they were much more accommodating. They took his clothes and even got him some new (second-hand) clothes. They provided him with more food and medical potions… they gave him some toilet roll too, the nice kind used in the city above, the stuff that was layered and didn’t feel like sandpaper on the arse. 

They never asked him how he got into the state he was in. None of the staff asked about the scars, the injuries…why he was so thin and malnourished. They didn’t dare. They tended to him and did their duties, which was great.

Basch didn’t want this to end. He was comfortable here, he was being waited on… he could actually use a proper toilet instead of having to piss in a bucket or on the floor. However, he knew that he had to leave eventually… he needed to help restore Dalmasca. He had to find the Resistance.

 _Amalia._

He had to find her. 

Thoughts of Dalmasca’s future, of what he would have to do, kept going over and over in his mind. He thought of how he would find Amalia and what he would say to her… if she would understand or believe his innocence. He needed her to be okay… he needed to see her again. 

_Ashelia… it must be you. I pray it is you._

Basch began to feel drowsy. He put the food and drink down and leaned back. The heat and steam from the water lulled him deeper towards unconsciousness, then before he knew it Basch fell asleep. 

He didn’t know how long he had been asleep, but when he woke, the water was still warm and he really needed pee. Basch looked down and found that he was also at attention. 

_Damn._

Basch rubbed his face again and turned to look over his shoulder at the latrine. His neck and shoulders ached from that motion and Basch knew the effort to get out of the tub was going to be hell. 

_Amalia._

_She needs you. Get up, get out of this bath and find her! You can’t waste time enjoying yourself! You also need to piss and you’re not going to do that in your bath._

Basch closed his eyes and willed himself to not do what he had been doing for the past two years. He was not a child, nor was he a prisoner anymore. He should not pee in the bath, even though it was the easier option. 

He managed to restrain himself, he took control. 

After several attempts and after nearly slipping over, Basch got up from the tub. His bones creaked in pain but when he hopped out, he made a clumsy dash for the toilet. 

When he reached it, he let out a huge sigh of relief. He directed himself, which was really not easy with everything pointing up, and relinquished control. 

Basch cursed himself and the lack of aim he had. He was busy trying to keep himself pointing towards the bowl, that he didn’t hear the knocking on the door or the tentative voice calling on the other side. 

“Sir? I’ve got some fresh towels!”

The door opened and a young woman came striding in with said fresh towels. When she saw Basch struggling, she stopped dead in her tracks and squealed. Basch leapt back in surprise.

He screamed, he stumbled and tried to regain control of himself. Thankfully he was able to do so, with immense effort. However, he still needed to continue.

The woman screamed at such a sight of him struggling, she flung some of the towels at him and scrunched another up against her own face.

“I’m so sorry!!” she gasped. “I’m so so so sorry!!”

Basch didn’t know why she was sorry, or why she was so embarrassed. Yes, she had startled him but this mess wasn’t her fault. 

“You have nothing to apologise for,” Basch replied, bowing his head humbly. “I just have a little problem… it’s nothing.”

The young woman had stopped apologising. She was now frozen to the spot and was looking at him with her eyes and mouth open wide with shock.  
Basch heard a tiny squeak and then a breathy utterance of _‘he’s big!’_

It took him a while to remember that he was naked and erect. While his modesty wasn’t cared about by his guards in Nalbina, Basch was supposed to care about it in public. The poor woman was frightened no doubt by his nudity and his… predicament. Especially with how the wet towel was now hanging off his erection. 

How was he supposed to respond to this? Be angry, be embarrassed? Ask her to leave? 

He wasn’t sure. 

If it had been a certain resistance leader/princess, he would have been distraught at revealing everything. Shouldn’t he be so now?

That was when he heard another squeak from the woman. She finally found the strength to turn away and then she ran out of the room. She caused such a commotion that it brought the senior staff rushing in, panicked. 

They too were stunned for a moment however these were the senior staff and they had much more experience in such situations. Probably.

They were smiling as they turned away to protect Basch’s modesty. 

“Sir, we apologise for the intrusion,” One man said, clearing his throat loudly and making the others leave. “Liassa is new. Is there anything you wish before I leave? More towels? Food? Drink? Do you need someone who can help with your…?”

Basch knew that some of these bathhouses also employed certain 'services', but no. 

“I do not need help with it, thank you.”

“Sorry, of course. I didn’t mean to offend. What can I get you, Sir?” 

The freedom and restoration of Dalmasca would be nice. 

Oh! But if he was going to be a part of that, if he was to find the Princess and help restore her to her throne… no doubt there will be a lot of travelling. 

“Do you perchance have any stocks of the toilet paper I could purchase?” 

If he was going to help the Princess become Queen, the nice toilet paper is a must.


End file.
